Waiting is tough, y’all. Having so many dreams, but being afraid nothing will ever come of them. It does not come easily for me, but I guess it doesn’t for anyone really; right now I’m kinda stalled again with the two biographies I’ve been working on. I’ll keep y’all posted though if there are any new developments in the writing world.
On a happier note, summer is upon us. That means we get to go swimming right? (That’s my favorite part of summer)
So today’s been one crazy-@$$ day. Woke up early as usual. At least my throat wasn’t hurting. But allergies were acting up. I was just feeling kinda blue. Lately, I feel like I haven’t really had anybody to rely on; like I had to be the strong one, and lately, my dad’s been annoying the crap out of my for some reason (Sorry, Dad!) But I just really haven’t felt like talking much with him. I mean, what is there to say? All he cares about is guns, and he doesn’t even seem to listen to what I’m saying sometimes anyway. And if I dare to get upset in the slightest, he gets on a high-horse and tells me not to be upset; also, he doesn’t know how to handle me if I’m not “Ok” (Yes, I’m being the ugly daughter for a moment, but that’s the end of the digression) But yeah, I was just feeling blue, and had to go into work anyway. So work today wasn’t too bad, just the usual running around like the proverbial beheaded chicken. And my feet still hurt. But near the end of the day, one of my dear coworkers gave me a pin that said “Best Seller”; I’ve already put it on my lanyard. That made my day! On the drive home, I find out my aunt is coming over tonight, and 3 of the rooms in our house are a mess. My mom’s gonna be freaking out when she gets home from her surgery-filled day. (She’s a veterinarian.) So that’s how my day’s been so far, and it isn’t even 17h00! I should be signing off soon to feed the dogs and go be productive. I know this is more of a journal entry than blog, but at least it’s writing. I’ll keep y’all posted.
Life ain’t easy, y’all. But you’ve probably noticed that. It can befuddle us, bring us to our knees
I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being treated “differently”. That makes me think of being the trouble case or weird. I want to fit in but at the same time, don’t exactly. It’s tough figuring out and owning just who you are exactly. I do like to feel special though.
Just call me Queen of Hopeless Causes. I kinda feel like one myself, but also I get stubborn and want to help “make the world suck less” as the nerdfighters put it. I know so many resilient, amazing people. And I want to make it so nobody has to feel like they’re a lost cause. Sometimes I wish I could be a fairy godmother and have a magic wand to make things better. It’s hard though at other times to fight against that apathy of feeling like what you do doesn’t matter. (Speaking from experience here!)
It’s not easy being an open sort of person, and it’s difficult to imagine anyone reading this. But maybe you’ve been struggling with something like this too. I don’t feel like I have a very strong faith. There. I said it. And it’s hard trying to not be jealous and petty.
Right now, one of my goals is getting to Munich to look at documents from the IfZ. I’m working on biographies of Werner Scholl and Walter Klingenbeck. Parts of these projects have come easier than others. I still don’t have a publisher and still am in the depths of research. and never did hear back from Saint Ludwig’s (Walter’s parish in Munich). (Life preserver anyone?) And I had to respect the fact that a sister of one of these people said she didn’t want to meet me either. (Totally understandable, but still a bit of a blow!) And of course it didn’t help when my parents were much more supportive of my brother travel plans – going Munich with his friend – while I had to stay at home going through surgery. (I know.. whine whine whine; nobody likes a crybaby!) The thing I’m trying to get at though, is this whole situation is a process. I have been working on improving my German, and saving up, so hopefully will get over there sometime soon.
One of my biggest fears is not getting over to Munich in time, because I feel like I’m in a bit of a time crunch. What if I get over there, and it’s too late. That’s the difficult part, that I have to come to terms with.
Anyway, if anybody has any words of wisdom or comments, please share!
Confession time. I am a very private person. Yes, I keep a journal, but don’t even write in my journal every day. Then, there’s the thought of “but who would even care about what I have to say anyway?”
So how to combat this? Maybe make a goal to post at least once a week, even if it isn’t a set day?
But moving on from that…..
We got chickens recently (on a completely unrelated note.